Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Bittersweet, A wedding and 2 funerals.

During the past week, I have attended a funeral of a very loving patient that won his fight with cancer, but in the Heavens. I went to a wedding of a great friend, and then headed back home to NE for another funeral of one of my best friend's little bro. While driving home this past weekend, I was reliving the past week and the word that kept coming to mind was Bittersweet.
I am sooo happy for my friend Lisa who is starting a new chapter of her life, on the other hand I am frustrated with God's reasonings for taking these two young precious lives.

Bittersweet tears:

I feel I am tasting the sweet of bittersweet. In my own way. I am learning to still trust the One Who sometimes hurts us, who does not play by our rules. At Ian's funeral I recall his youth pastor saying, "We do not serve a god that we can control." Yet in spite of that we still trust Him. In the midst of all our questions regarding that promise and God's ways, we TRUST HIM as a Person. It's easy to "love" your dad when he gives you just what you want when you want it. Deeper love and deeper trust are revealed when He says, "No" or "Later" or when we find that we've misundertood His intentions. Maturing love accepts that, knowing that Dad loves us and is wiser than we are. And that is sweet, very sweet, in the midst of all the bitter flavors I have been "tasting".

When I got the phone call about my friends little brother, I couldn't believe it. He was hit by a drunk 16 year old driver. He was flown from the vehicle and his injuries were all fixable, but he suffered a severe head injury. I knew by the things she was telling me that it did not look good, but they were waiting out the 72 hour period. As the time past the more she would tell me the more I began to hurt for them. Here is where being in the medical field you know to much. I knew he would never be able to walk, talk, eat or even breath on his own.... but I just listened, prayed, and answered her questions as they came. Then the one question came that I was not expecting.....
" Tell me about organ donation, what do I need to ask the Dr?" My heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach...... I should not have to explain organ donation to one of my best friends when its about her little brother. I swallowed, and began to tell her what she needed to hear. I could tell that my voice was quivering and my hands were shaking.... It was an honor to talk to her about something I am so passionate about, yet one of the toughest things I have yet to do. After I hung up the phone, I carried myself to the couch and began to cry and cry. I felt quilty and somewhat evil for thinking that he is going to be able to save others lives, and I should be grieving the loss of her brother. I then remember watching the closing scene of The Lord of The Rings when Bilbo and Frodo and Gandalf sail off into the Grey Havens. Gandalf comforts his friends saying, "Not all tears are an evil." There can be healing in tears. If we fight the sadness and occassional
anger we feel, we leave ourselves with unresolved wounds. But if we lean into those feelings, our grief and pain can be redeemed to make us into people who are deeper and more beautiful.

Proverbs 14:10 says, “Each heart knows its own bitterness and no one else can share its joy.” And that is generally true.

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